It’s not only about your husband’s consumption of porn, it’s the lying that hurts you the most.
On the outside, it may seem that a husband’s addiction to porn is the most hurtful thing he could do to you. Yes, it is very hurtful, but what I hear more from wives is that it’s the lying that accompanies the addiction that hurts the most.
He lied about how he spent that time or money she questioned.
He lied when he said it was her fault he looks at porn.
He lied about why he lost his job.
Can you ever trust him again?
How does a spouse begin to trust again when the betrayal strikes at the most intimate part of a woman, her sexuality? It’s no simple task, no five or twelve step process one can master. It is changing from believing what he says to observing how he interacts and conducts his daily life.
Ladies, your instincts have likely been proven correct, there was something else going on that you didn’t know about. Maybe you caught him on the computer viewing pornographic images, maybe he confessed to it. Either way the pain runs deep. You question everything about yourself and your relationship. Now you know for sure the lies he’s capable of telling. You don’t need him to make you promises. The burden of being honest rests upon him. You must become a keen observer of what he does because you can’t trust what he says.
Four things to observe:
- Do you witness any changes in his behavior toward you or others?
- Has he sought out a buddy for accountability?
- Is working on his recovery a priority for him?
- Is he more gentle and humble toward you, himself, or others?
If you see these types of things occurring, it is likely that your man is working hard on breaking free from porn/sex addiction. It’s important for you to understand that this is the most difficult thing he’s likely done in his life. Yes, it was hard to admit he has a problem. If he was caught, that was a humiliating experience for him. But, you can believe that living in the battle against behaviors he’s likely had long before he met you is exhausting and hard. He needs time and space to make some changes. Can he ever be trusted again? Yes, if he’s working on rebuilding trust with you as you consistently observe his daily life. It’s a slow process.
One important question
Are you both willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild what’s broken inside each of you and recreate a healthier, more honest relationship together?
If you two answer yes to that question, there’s hope for a better future. So, ladies keep your eyes open and become observers of your husband’s behavior. You don’t need to babysit him, mother him, or condemn him. He needs time, space, and a little bit of grace to change those lies into truths. It’s like learning a new skill he needs to practice.